FAQs
Some Freakin' Asinine Questions
Everybody's got a ton of questions when they get here? Why? I dunno, but it's probably because they didn't pay attention in the the Trench. Important: NO Questions About the Big Guy
How'd You Get This Job?
Q: Hey, Teddy. How the heck did you, of all people, get this job? -- Ben Bob in Bakersfield
A: Funny you should ask.
Q: No, really...
A: Really? OK, first of all, in first-life I had to get a degree in smart-ass.
Q: Then what?
A: Then I got whacked, dummy, and sent up here.
When You Gonna Let Us Out?
Q: Teddy, when the heck are you gonna let us out? -- Elvis from Your Basement
A: When leopard skin couches come back in style, E. Or is it zebra?
No Questions About the Big Guy?
Q: I see lots of Q&A about everything else here, but no questions about the Big Guy. Why? -- Carl in Canada
A: The Trenchmites have had billions of chances to learn about BG over the past 10,000 years or more. If you didn't pay attention, that's your problem.
Who's the Gardener? The Big Guy?
Q: So what about this Gardener. Is he the Big Guy or what? - Anna in Arkansas
A: Or what.
Look up...
Not at the sky, dummy. Look up the page.
Do you see where it says NO Questions about the Big Guy? I don't know about you, but a lot of people would say that means No Questions About the Big Guy.
Can I Have Sex?
Q: I'm pretty sure I'm headed up instead of down but I have one question. Can I have sex up there? -- Edie, East of Eden
A: This is the first freakin' question most people (and critters) ask when they get here. You gotta be kidding. This is Heaven after all. We usually call it "being in the middle of something."
Example:
Bob - "Hey, Tom, wanna go drive a Ferrari?"
Tom - (panting) "Later, I'm, uh, in the middle of something."
Bob - Wink, nudge
Hey What About Teddy's Eyes?
Q: The rules say you can't change your eye color... what about Teddy? This ain't natural. -- Darlene in Denver
A: We wish we could tell you that it's Teddy's punishment for not following some rule or another, but that's not the case. We can't go into a lot of details, for obvious reasons, but Teddy got snagged doin' some undercover in the Other Place. Asmodeus wanted to whack him, but Lucifer convinced Asmodeus that Teddy was already whacked and just sent him back with a new set of eyeballs. BG offered to change 'em back but Teddy wanted to keep them as a reminder that he needed to be more careful out there.
Do I Exist?
Q: Hey, Teddy, do I really exist? -- Helen in Hoboken
A: You gotta be kiddin' me! If you're not sure, I guess this is the place to ask. You're reading this freakin' page aren't you?
What are Stories and Tales?
Q: What the heck is the difference between Stories and Tales? -- Grannie Grits from Greenview
A: Stories are a couple thousand words or more with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Tales are short little things that wag when they are happy.
What Gives with Real Dogs?
Q: A lot of cats around here but not many dogs, and when we do see a dog it's one of those little rat-things or a floor fuzzy. What gives? -- Nathan from Norman, Oklahoma
A: Most of the real dogs (Labs, Collies, Anatolians, etc...) go straight Uptown when they pass. A few of those little things make it, but not many because they're too damned bossy. They're actually pretty lucky to make it here to the Lower East Side. A few years back, a bunch of celebrities petitioned to make sure their little furballs went wherever they did. But since most celebrities end up in the Other Place, BG thought that it wasn't fair to the dogs... even if they were bossy little bitches.
* Sailor the Dog is a professional actor, don't try this at home.
What the Heck is a Synquel?
Q: Synquel this, Synquel that, what the heck is a Synquel? -- Jimi in Jacksonville
A: A Synquel™ is a part of a series of works that integrate characters and time.
For example:
- In Synquel A (a novel), Realtor Robin Sollars is sitting in her car at a stoplight at 7:00 am (as a very minor character).
- In Synquel B (a short story), later that same day in Robin's life she's a bit more expanded as a woman the story's main character hits on during lunch.
- In Syncquel C (another novel), later still in that same day in her life, Robin is the victim of a violent crime.
By using online tools and other technologies, we should eventually be able to follow Robin's entire day (from story to story) from a single location. Synquel™ is a trademark of ChaliceMedia LLC. -- Trademark Information
What's With the 1%? Are they Chosen?
Q: I've heard that about 1% of the people (the ones that aren't included in the "We Are the 99%) think that they have been CHOSEN. Is that true? Is that why they do all the stuff they do? -- Doug from C Street
A: Short answer - yes.
NSA: Eons ago, the Big Guy told the Boss Down Below (pictured aka HMFIC) that he could have 1% of mankind. No questions asked. For centuries, the chosen included moneychangers, inquisitors, insane dictators, royal families and such. But now there are a lot more people in the world and the 1% is a lot bigger number. A few years BG added third-world warlords, drug cartels, and the people who guarded the Martians at Area 57. When the bankers and business men started working with the dictators, warlords and drug cartels to sell them weapons, computers, cell phones, video games, and money laundering services they said,
"Hey, why can't WE live like these guys?"
Oops, dumb thing to do, and they joined the chosen 1%, too.
To clarify, BG's 1% are not the exact same 1% as the 1% as in We Are the 99% (WATNN for short). Just the majority of them. 1% percent of the WATNN have huge, generous hearts, and are NOT included in the Big Guy's deal. Are we crisp on this?
Why So Many Cats?
Q: Man, there are a lot of cats up here. How come? -- Fido, Fredericksburg
A: With very few exceptions, the Lower East Side is Uptown as far as a cat is concerned. It's because of all the rats.
Q: There are rats up here? I thought this was Heaven!
A: Hey, you'd be surprised how many good rats there are in the Trench. For them, this is Uptown, too. Up here they get to run and scurry a lot but the cats never catch them.
Q: If the cats never catch them then how can this be Uptown for cats?
A: Ever heard of a deal with the devil? I'm not sayin' such a deal ever took place understand, but we've got a passel of rats that get sent up to us on loan for "special" punishment -- the cats never miss 'em and toy with 'em for hours before the big chomp. Who knows, maybe those rats are reincarnated Latin American dictators or something.
OFL and YWL, Huh?
Q: Sometimes in the helpful hints I'll see OFL or YWL at the beginning. What the heck to they mean? -- Katie from Kissimmee
A: Hey, people have been coming to the Lower East Side for millennia. Some times young people and old people don't speak the same language or have the same historical references. Therefore (how dya like that nickel word?) when you see OFL it means the reference is in Old Fart's Language (e.g. transistor radio). If you see YWL it means that the reference is in Young Whippersnapper's Language (e.g. Gonna Tweet my h* for a hookup).
What's With the Colored Words?
Q: Sometimes when I'm reading I see green and blue words mixed in with the others. Am I drinking too much? -- LouElla from Lauderdale
A: No, those colored words are helpful hints and shortcuts. The blue ones display a helpful hint when you mouse over them, and the green ones are links to another page or even another website (Heaven's Lower East Side forbid you'd ever want to go to another website.)
Where are the Freakin Stories and Tales?
Q: Hey, what th' otherplace! I click on Stories and Tales and none show up. I'm pissed. -- Mavis from Massapequa
A: Keep your kilt down! We have a number of stories in final edit right now!
Why Do So Many Faces Here Look the Same?
Q: It seems that a lot of the faces on this website have a certain similarity. Why is that? -- Opal from Ontario, CA
A: The primary answer is that we can't afford a whole lot of actors and models. Besides, this is OUR version of Heaven isn't it?
Q: You seem to say we and our a lot around here. How many people work here and write this stuff?
A: Do you mean physical bodies or, um, personalities?